shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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