she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how do flat chested girls get laid?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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