I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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