Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
is that a dick in a sweater?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
