I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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