This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Jerry, you need to find god
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love you.
Bad choice
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