i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
