I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
