Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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