Me too!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
