guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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