I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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