I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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