dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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