My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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