Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
