Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
