I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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