1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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