new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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