My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
