Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
