I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
