We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
