Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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