I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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