i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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