Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
