Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
