Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
