This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
