We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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