god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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