dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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