Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
