My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
