does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We left an ass print on the piano.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
