I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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