the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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