Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
