no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
