Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
