how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
