Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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