If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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