I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
