I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
