M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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