12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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