I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
