dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
do herpes really smell.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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