Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
