You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
