I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
