I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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