theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
