i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
