I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
