I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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