I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
