you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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