He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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