I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
