awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
