My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She bit a glass in half.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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