I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
