I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
