She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
