And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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