A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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